A letter to Mom on the anniversary of her passing

Dear Mom,

It doesn't seem like four years, but here it is. Four years since you've been gone. Four years since I've last talked to you or seen your face or touched you. I'm sitting here not sure what to say, because to be honest, somehow it doesn't seem real, even to this day. Even so, I've accepted that you're gone, and I'm pretty well past the stage where I'll feel like calling you, or refer to you in the present tense. I still think about you all the time, but my thoughts don't ponder the concept of your not being here too long, because I'll find myself starting to go to that place again, like I'm doing now with this letter. It's a place where I find myself being lost and alone, unsure of all things, and very, very sad. I've accepted that you're gone, and I tell myself that I've gotten on with my life, but I find I still miss you horribly, and wish more than anything in the world that you could still be here in my life.

I still talk to you occasionally, but it's mostly just thoughts in my head, and then imagining how you might respond. Most of my thoughts about you are my memories, and of how certain things that happen in my life now might remind me of things that happened in the past, when you were here and such a big part of my life, especially in my younger years. Growing up, you were the center of my universe, as I'm sure most kids' moms are. But you were unique in that you were my mom. No matter where I went in life, whether it was down the street or a couple states away, I always came home at the end, and you were always there, in every way. You were always there for me, Mom, even into my adult years, and my biggest regret now is that I never expressed to you how much I appreciated what your presence in my life meant to me. I always told you I love you, and I did things for you on your birthday and Mother's Day and the like, but it's not the same as really letting you know how deeply I feel about everything you've done for me over the years. Everything from simply feeding me, clothing me or driving me someplace, to being the one to come to for a hug when I'm down, to turning to you for support in either times of need or during Life's Little Accomplishments.

Even in all the good and happy times I've referred to, there's been times when I know I've disappointed you, or made you sad or hurt you with my words, and I'm not going to dwell on those things, because those things helped us understand each other a little better, and made us closer. But even so, I will say I'm sorry for ever hurting you.

You know, sitting here going back over everything I've written so far, it still seems like it's not enough. I don't think there can be any acceptable amount or kinds of words that can adequately express how I feel about you, Mom, but I hope that if you're still out there somewhere in some other form I just can't see, you'll know what's in my mind, and in my heart, and you'll know and fully understand finally how much I love you. Hopefully those three words will say it all:

"I love you."