My Future
All right, I've decided what I'm going to do...
I'm going to borrow a page from Futurama, but take it to another level.
1. I will write my own bible about the creation and rule of an omnipotent, humanoid Pickle God.
2. I will create items and artifacts (and probably pictures) of undeniable proof as to the existance of said Pickle God.
3. I will bury the bible and the items of proof in various places around the world, where they are calculated to remain hidden for approximately 500 years.
4. I will freeze myself for a thousand years. That will give people plenty of time to base their lives for generation upon generation on the Pickle teachings. Scholars, clerics and scientists will debate endlessly over the mysterious "Jar of Turin". The phrase "Hold The Pickle" will become a universal motto of love and unity.
5. When the timer goes off, I will emerge in my Pickle suit in a glorious "second coming" and lead my faithful Picklepalians on a worldwide crusade...back to my apartment, where I will remove the pickle suit and ask everyone, "Now, don't you feel a little silly?"
I figure that's about the time I'll die horribly, but it'll be pretty funny for a second.
Only one problem with an extravagant stunt like that, though...
Where am I going to find a giant pickle suit that will stand up to a thousand year cryogenic freeze?
I'm going to borrow a page from Futurama, but take it to another level.
1. I will write my own bible about the creation and rule of an omnipotent, humanoid Pickle God.
2. I will create items and artifacts (and probably pictures) of undeniable proof as to the existance of said Pickle God.
3. I will bury the bible and the items of proof in various places around the world, where they are calculated to remain hidden for approximately 500 years.
4. I will freeze myself for a thousand years. That will give people plenty of time to base their lives for generation upon generation on the Pickle teachings. Scholars, clerics and scientists will debate endlessly over the mysterious "Jar of Turin". The phrase "Hold The Pickle" will become a universal motto of love and unity.
5. When the timer goes off, I will emerge in my Pickle suit in a glorious "second coming" and lead my faithful Picklepalians on a worldwide crusade...back to my apartment, where I will remove the pickle suit and ask everyone, "Now, don't you feel a little silly?"
I figure that's about the time I'll die horribly, but it'll be pretty funny for a second.
Only one problem with an extravagant stunt like that, though...
Where am I going to find a giant pickle suit that will stand up to a thousand year cryogenic freeze?
posted by aboynamedjimmy at 4:58 AM
5 Comments:
Styrofoam should last a good long time. Your luck, the zipper would stick and you wouldn't be able to get the suit off. Or the cryo freeze would give you a memory loss, and you'd come to thinking you were the Pickle God. Can I be Dill, the Forerunner of the Apickleypse, your holy prophet? (But there's no way I'm holding your pickle!)
Well, the ancient doctrines state "the Forerunner shall hold the Gherkin Staff aloft", so if you think you can swing that, I'll accept your resumé and application. You will be required to provide your own cryo-tube, but if that presents any problems, we do have Holy Prophet Financing available.
I got my own cryo-tube (well, it's a really, really big bucket of ice)... and I think you'll find my references as a street preacher and zealot to be inpeccable. I'm still adopting a "hands-off" policy with your Gherkin, but elsewise, I'm in!
damn, did I really say "inpeccable" rather than "iMpeccable"? I hope typing isn't part of the Forerunner's job description...
I've always thought your spelling and grammar were unpeccable.
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